Simon says
Sometimes the best part of “American Idol” is the latest sly comment from
acerbic judge Simon Cowell. Here are some of our favorites from this year
’s show.
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"Shut up, Paula, you really annoy me. It's like being with some precocious
child!"
To fellow judge Paula Abdul, after she elbowed him while he was critiquing
Melissa, Feb. 28
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"You don't want to turn this show into 'I'm 17, And I Can Sound 50'."
To Paris, Feb. 28
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"I think you are working probably harder than anyone I've seen on this show
so far. ... If I said next week, we're going to juggle, you'd come back
and juggle."
To Ayla, Feb. 28
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"I think you're likable, but the reality is, if I heard that on the radio
I'd turn it off."
To Kevin, March 1
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"This was the only performance that stands up in the real world. ... Tonight
, you are the standard every one of these guys should be looking toward,
because it was in a different class."
To Chris, March 1
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"It was like an audition for 'Cats'. ... You have a target audience which
are 11-year-old girls, and they will love that."
To Will, March 1
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"I think America, if they haven't already, are going to fall in love with
you."
To Kellie, Feb. 28
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"That's the sort of thing I would expect to see when I come off Magic Mountain
in Disneyland ... it was just a theme-park performance."
To Kinnik, Feb. 28
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"It was kind of like one of those ghastly pageants where before the finalists
arrive, somebody gets up and sings a Mariah song."
To Heather, Feb. 28
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"When you're on it, I don't think there is a better female singer in this
competition."
To Mandisa, Feb. 28
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"I would change the word 'Dance' to 'Chance' because that's what it was."
To Brenna, after she sang Donna Summer's "Last Dance," Feb. 28
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"That would appeal to anyone over the age of 90 who was hard of hearing."
To Kevin, Feb. 28
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"If you hear a scream from a hotel room in Las Vegas, that’s where Barry
Manilow is watching this show."
To Bobby, after he sang Manilow's "Copacabana," Feb. 22
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"I said in the beginning that I didn’t think you should make the finals
of this competition. I was wrong."
To Taylor, Feb. 22
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"It’s as if I was watching the warmup for the Chippendales or something.
And Gedeon, your smile bothers me."
To Gedeon, Feb. 22
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"There’s an expression we use, it's called 'the X Factor.' You’ve got that
extra-special something going for you. You are absolutely going to sail
through to the next round."
To Ace, Feb. 22
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"I thought it was a really pimpy third-rate copy of Earth Wind and Fire."
To Sway, Feb. 22
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"We’ve had five seasons. I think potentially you are the best male vocalist
we’ve ever had."
To Elliott, Feb. 22
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“[We] get a lot of so-called rockers on this show, then we find out that
they’ve been performing at weddings all their life, they [just] wear a
leather jacket. There are thousands of bars across America where you’ll
find somebody like Bucky just doing their stuff.”
To Bucky, Feb. 22
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"You’re like a wild little cat and someone’s just put gloves on you, and
a hat, and a muzzle.”
To Brenna, Feb. 21
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"It was forgettable and you sang it like somebody taking an elocution lesson
."
To Heather, Feb. 21
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"You have the potential with your career that we may look back on this in
5 or 10 years time and say this was the night, we’ll remember Lisa Tucker
."
To Lisa, Feb. 21
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"It was like being at some horrible Sunday lunch and a child getting up to
sing out of tune. For me it was a complete and utter mess.”
To Stevie, Feb. 21
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"Katharine, there were four very, very good vocalists tonight, and you were
the best."
To Katharine, Feb. 21
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"I am fed up [with] your hissy attitude. You resigned publicly in front of
them, I think the lot here are sick to death of you."
To Terrell and Derrell Brittenum, after Derrell quit the show and then changed
his mind, Feb. 14
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"I think you will look back on this in a few months time and wonder why you
possibly blew the opportunity of a lifetime by trying to be bad comedians
. It was just ridiculous, it was like a ghastly party where three workmates
have got drunk and attempted to entertain an audience who aren't interested
."
Simon to Matthew, Michael and Garet, Feb. 14
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"What's putting me off, and I'm not being rude, is you remind me of a pet
poodle I used to have. "
Simon to curly-haired auditioner Tatiana, Feb. 7
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"You're one of those packages you get at Christmastime where you say: 'Can
I give it back?'"
Simon to auditioner Irada, who claimed she had the "complete package," Feb
. 7
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"You're a jolly nice young man, aren't you? I think that anyone over the
age of 80 would love you. And anyone under the age of 20 wouldn't be able
to relate to you."
Simon to auditioner Kevin, Feb. 7
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"No one's ever come up to you on the boat and said 'You're a star!'? 'American
Idol: The Search for the Next Gondolier.' "
Simon to auditioner (and Vegas gondolier) Jason, Jan. 31
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"It's just as well, we couldn't afford the food bill."
Simon after large auditioner Anthony failed to make it through, Jan. 31
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"You can sing, but you’re kind of like somebody’s mother who for a dare
has been told to look like Cher for some ghastly fancy-dress party and does
a song."
Simon to auditioner Deborah, Jan. 25
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"I’ll tell you what I love about you, you’re very current ... it’s just
very, very what is happening today. You are sailing through to Hollywood
."
Simon to auditioner Katharine, Jan. 25
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"I thought the first song was annoying, really annoying, verging on fingernails
going down the blackboard."
Simon to auditioner Shawna, Jan. 25
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“You look like the Incredible Hulk’s wife.”
Simon to uncaptioned auditioner with green hair and shirt, Jan. 24
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"First Ryan I’ve ever met with talent."
Simon to auditioner Jeffrey, who for some reason goes by "Ryan," Jan. 24
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"You are more Jerry Springer Show than American Idol."
Simon to auditioner Sabrina, Jan. 24
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"The best advice I can give you, Cachet, is to buy a soundproof shower curtain
."
Simon to auditioner Cachet, a self-proclaimed "shower singer," Jan. 24
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"It’s the sort of thing I would expect to hear in an unpopular restaurant
. ... I'll have a coffee!"
Simon to auditioner Shawn, Jan. 24
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“I’m not being rude but you have the personality of a hippo when you sing
.”
Simon to auditioner Jimmy, Jan. 24
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"Seriously, it’s like you were possessed and came back as a 6-year-old or
something."
Simon to auditioner Derrick, Jan. 17
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"That was a beautiful, beautiful change of lyrics by the way."
Simon to auditioner Gina, who inserted "And Simon's my man" into "Power of
Love," Jan. 17
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"Do we have a bigger stage this year?"
Simon after Mandisa, a larger woman, auditioned, Jan. 17
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"You remind me of a wasp, cause [you're] like a little buzzy energetic thing
. He’s like a cartoon voice, isn’t he?"
Simon to auditioner Kevin, Jan. 17
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"Shave off the beard and wear a dress, because [you'd] be a great female
impersonator."
Simon to auditioner Charles, Jan. 17
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[To an auditioning deputy sheriff] "Do you have any jurisdiction here? [Answer
: "No."] "OK, that was terrible."
Simon to auditioner Brandon, Jan. 17
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"You sing like an Auntie. [It's like] when you were growing up and your Auntie
used to sing after lunch, badly."
Simon to auditioner Erik, Jan. 17
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"I think if they made Fatal Attraction 3, [you might get] an audition."
Simon to auditioner Yuliya, Jan. 17
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